Self-awareness Archives - Page 3 of 4 - Michael T Competielle Writer

A Filmmakers Tale Of Documenting The Death Of A Friend

The diagnosis of a debilitating disease changes one’s life. Time will freeze as you struggle to remain present while you reminisce on the past and pray for the future. Our internal clocks tick until time runs out and our story ends.

Driving home one evening I saw police cars at my friend Tom’s house. I feared the worst yet hoped for the best as I walked up to an officer at the open garage door. The prognosis was Tom was still alive yet barely. His plans to fade off into the afterlife was almost complete.

Calm and complacent I was satisfied with our time together as Tom was preparing for the afterlife. Actually he was already well prepared and had everything in perfect order.

One afternoon I was scouring Craigslist for film gigs when I came across an ad for a documentarian needed in my town. As I already had what I believed to be the essential qualifications and equipment for the job, I responded to the ad.

I received a response from Andy, a close and personal friend of a local artist named Tom. Tom had been plagued by years of health issues and as of late he felt he was deteriorating.

Because of Tom’s ailments, he imprisoned himself to his home.

So the project seemed relatively straight forward, bring film gear for an hour once a month and film Tom in a basic documentary style. Tom’s friend Andy would be the interviewer and attempt to keep Tom on task as we worked through the interview.

Tom’s home was your typical split level suburban tract home. Once inside we made formal introductions and headed upstairs.

Tom was a medium-sized aging gentleman in a thin fit shape. Over the past few years, he had been struggling with Parkinson’s disease and so, therefore, his movements were calculated yet lacked full control. It was immediately apparent the disease had affected his motor skills.

Tom offered us tea and pizza he had purchased specifically for us. While he was in the kitchen prepping I set up the film equipment in the dining room. It was hard to miss that the walls were filled with the most stunning artwork I had ever witnessed. Finely detailed oil paintings, some still life, and others were a bit more abstract and magical.

Tom sat down and began the interview explaining what he called his first incarnation as an oil painter. He explained his attention to details from having been a scientist for many years prior to developing a rare unrecognized Brain Allergy.

His environment was slowly killing him as his body recognized chemicals as neurotoxins and they would attack his central nervous system. Most doctors don’t believe the disease exists and feel it’s a psychological disorder and therefore Tom had to prove the disease was real and debilitating.

With the only actual research done on the disorder back in the 1960s, he had to find his own path. Tom found a specialist that was able to obtain him medical disability from having to go to work however it began Tom’s new life of a recluse. Imprisoned in his home away from the poisons he couldn’t be around.

Molds, perfumes, chemicals all exacerbated his condition. Tom had to remove all of these items from his home. The off-gassing of plastics we call the “new car smell” forced Tom to have to ride a bicycle around town. His trips would be purposeful as he had to stay away from environmental toxins.

The hardest part of his disease was his reaction to the paints and thinners he had grown to love. He could no longer paint and therefore fell into a void of depression.

He pushed on and found alternative means to express his creative side. He restored old baseball cards to offset his disability income and a few years later found his second incarnation working in water-soluble inks.

Tom surrounded himself amongst his art, each piece framed and carefully hung. As he was aging he was diagnosed with Parkinson’s that hit him with a new grouping of medical issues.

Not to be beaten Tom religiously exercised and even during one recording session did 100 push-ups for Andy and me to prove his abilities.

As we interviewed Tom religiously once a month over the course of a few years we learned of his loves and loses. He struggles to overcome his ailments and attempt to have a normal life. Every day was a struggle yet he remained sharp and in control.

His knowledge of politics, science, futurism, and art was second to none. His compassion and empathy for the world was often the motivation behind his works.

Tom was confident that his artworks were very good despite having been seen by few. The fact that he was an outsider artist he felt that he needed to help along with the narrative of his works by documenting his process and how he had gotten there.

One evening Tom explained he had an end game. He recognized that his diseases once he could no longer maintain control would kill him. A hospital or nursing facility that firmly didn’t recognize his Brain Allergy would send his body into an autoimmune rage.

That’s when we were introduced to Compassion and Choices and Tom’s plan to facilitate his own demise once the time came. Andy and I discussed the information we had just been entrusted with. We followed up with his family and were ensured though they weren’t pleased with his plans, they respected his position.

Hours were spent discussing love, life, the environment and how Tom tried to prove his theories within his paintings. He never felt as though he succeeded yet I am certain the answers an artist seeks never are.

At Tom’s memorial service, I wrote a segment of his eulogy. To this day I struggle with how to tell his story that highlights his brilliance. The day will come where the story will unfold inside my mind and I’ll complete my promise to my dear friend, that his legacy and art shall be loved and he will forever live on.

RIP my dear friend Tom

How My Writing Is My Journal and Journaling Is My Meditation

“Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.” Buddha

It isn’t uncommon for me to awaken early, my mind alert and racing. I’ll think about situations I can hardly control as I’ll attempt to find a solution. Next thing I know I’m grabbing my iPhone and mindlessly scrolling through social media posts. My mind will then wander deeper into a rabbit hole. My time wasted. Nothing is resolved and I remain sleepless.

Once I began practicing meditation, on those sleepless mornings, I would focus on my breath. My mind would calm as I would fall back into a deep restful sleep. The gain was I would awaken refreshed and stressfree.

Enter the Journal

At my bedside, I kept a Moleskin journal and a pen. I was hopeful that when I would awaken I could begin to perform some mindful journaling until I fell back asleep.

The concept indeed could work however the issue I had was writing in the darkness of the night. Certain there must be a simple solution I decided on writing into my iPad.

Fully charged and in night mode, my iPad is on my end table. Now when I awaken I can immediately begin to journal while in the headspace of my anxieties.

Words begin to flow from the innards of my psyche. My focus is always on how I feel at that exacting moment that I ensure I’m articulating with honestly and focus.

Each of my latest journal entries has become my Medium articles. Journaling my articles and channeling my philosophies has expanded my mind and thought process. When I revisit my entries I’ve recognized loopholes in my thoughts have been filled as my journaling technique continues.

Journal About How You Feel

Yesterday I was told by a friend I “mindfucked her” as I explained my theories on recognizing how situations and environments make you feel. She and her fiancee wake up very early and together head to the gym. From there they together head to their jointly owned business and spend the day working hard. They have been very successful in spite of having limited free time.

As we discussed further my journaling exercises and the Power Of How You Feel she recognized she has been feeling better than 10 years prior and that their lives were fulfilled and purposeful.

Writing articles daily as journal entries as I focus on how I feel begs to ask the question Why? Why do I feel focused, calm and in touch with my feelings? Honest writing that just in the clearest form.

I’ve learned to recognize truths and can read through people’s insecurities and lies. I can practice empathy and mindfulness as my intentions can remain honest and pure. The truths of how I feel, expressed in writing and shared with the world.

Like A Fish Out Of Water, I Don’t Belong Anywhere

Stepping outside I’ll immediately struggle with the decision whether I go left, right, or straight. “Fuck it let’s go right” I’ll say to the only one that really listens and head left, my instincts of being ambidextrous have determined when in doubt go left.

Instincts guide my decisions as I walk aimlessly through life looking for experiences and enlightenment. Situations will present themselves in a natural unadulterated fashion as I attempt to focus on the present and go with the flow.

When I walk into a store, tradeshow or museum and I’m challenged to make a decision, I always go left as that just feels right. Going right feels foreign and obscene like most people that I’ve met, boring and following a plan. I’m always focusing on being somewhat thorough in a speed reading sort of way until the connection is made with an object, a person or a notion.

Walking through an Ikea once I noticed that the store was designed properly with projected arrows on the floors guiding the pedestrian traffic in a natural flow from left to right like I read and how I wander through life like a whimsical fish.

On another occasion, in another Ikea the store’s directional arrows were placed backward guiding the herd from right to left. Unorthodox and teetering on blasphemy, I debated on the notion to leave my group and fix the store by reversing all of the store’s arrows and signage yet the concept of human traffic when I’m trying to create order is daunting. The mindless zombies certainly would be lost forever in the catacombs of chic furniture, destinations no longer known.

How adaptable is a fish out of water? We can survive. Our way of breathing will change as our skin will dry out yet we will adjust and endure the challenges of a foreign environment. We become like sea urchins, calloused and hardened.

When I ultimately get my way and get back into the water, I will swim upstream like salmon, in an attempt to spawn new ideas and adventures.

I live in fear of doing the same thing twice as I find comfort in my inconsistencies. My plans for today only spoiled by my mood and inabilities to stick to the plan. Winds and water flow will guide me off course. My surroundings uncharted and anew.

How will I feel connected and complacent? I never will, however, the journey is my destination, no matter how foreign or unplanned.

Spending Time Apart Enriches Your Time Together

As humans, our greatest ability over any other being is our ability to communicate. Everything from facial expressions to dialogue to writing we have many ways to articulate our thoughts and emotions. Yet most people haven’t anything to say.

Talks of the weather or last night’s game are conversation devoid of creativity and honesty. Place saving for true self-expression and thought. Ask the person “how did you feel when your team lost” or “how did you feel that it rained all day” and possibly you’ll be on to an actual form of emotion.

With our busy lives filled basically of doing nothing, traffic, the morning news, work issues and the long line at the grocery isn’t actually conversation, it’s a data dump of words that fill the narrative. Fluff to get the report to look through or detailed. If you economize and minimize the dialogue to one’s emotions the conversations become more honest and engaging because they create inclusion to the listener.

A filmmaker friend I speak to daily returned yesterday from a 17 day trip to Europe. We talked for over an hour about his trip. He loved the premium class seating on the flight due to the added legroom however not having a direct flight he would never do again.

The coffee in his hotel in Budapest wasn’t great and so he went to McDonald’s for a cup to go and he was surprised it was served in a ceramic cup with a stainless steel spoon and a fabric napkin. There isn’t any coffee cup to go. You don’t go anywhere with your coffee. You sit there and enjoy it.

He spoke of the energy he had immersed in the architecture and culture of the century-old cities and how he felt relieved on rainy days because he could spend hours inside museums without missing the outdoors.

At the end of the hour, we had little filler or fluff. An honest close conversation on how he felt being away and how great it felt to be back. We scheduled a date for next week to spend two hours discussing a new film project and to look at some of the hours of video footage he had captured during the 17 days trek.

Distance brings us closer as it gives us space and time apart to reconnect with our emotions. The passing of time is real and actual. And the longer the duration apart the more abridged our engagements become as we will expedite the narrative to express ourselves.

We may not always get out our truest feelings yet if we know we may be again distanced we should be honest in our expression. I missed my friend over the 17 days, I feel reconnected with him as we squeezed 17 days into 1 hour. However, it’s that one hour we shared how we felt more so than what we did. And how we felt during our separation and how we now feel together again.

Designing My Future By Being In The Present

Every day I’m designing the future me as I visualize what I want to do and why. As I establish my goals and I aim high, I’ve learned that my actions today have the greatest impact on the future.

I’ve learned the power of the law of attraction and have been rewarded from the concept. Situations I would never think I’d be in have materialized simply by realizing I could control the outcome with my thinking and beliefs.

What concepts begin in my mind are organized and fleshed out before I’ll begin to speak or write about them. Various paths are explored on my mind’s journey to the directive. Once I visualize the potential path I’ll then begin to speak of the goals and my course of action.

This brainstorming exercise always creates a cohesive perspective that I’m positive I can execute. The power of the thinking process and dissecting an objective begins the development of a successful outcome.

Prior to even speaking of a future journey I’ll often jot down the objective and establish my goal. The notation to paper is the way we can bring a future goal into the present. As you look down about the paper that previously stated nothing, wrote down your goal or plan, instantly the objective had materialized. At this exacting moment, it has not come to fruition but the groundwork has been set.

As we look off into our future horizons determined to be a writer, musician or artist, the end goal of a book, musical or sculpture are way off in the distance. But they are in the picture way off in the foreground. How do we research that goal? That starts with taking steps towards it, keeping on the path and staying focused.

As we walk towards our goal we will meet many obstacles along the way. Speaking to people of our objective with determination and clarity, the barriers that block the path are lifted as the power of attraction and connection moves the obstacles from our path keeping us on the trajectory to our goals.

Often we will ask the wrong people for assistance and they may guide us astray by taking us off the path our polluting our positivity.

As we head towards our future we walk with ourselves in the present. Turning around we can see our past and determine if we are still on target and pride ourselves on how far we’ve come. Our success comes from doing.

This article wouldn’t even be complete had I not thought about the topic, fleshed out a narrative and placed pen to paper. Looking back I see hundreds of words that have gotten this article to this point. I remain on target to my goal of a completed well-designed philosophy.

Had I never thought about the goals of this piece, I’d be staring at a blank page. Had I not established an objective the words would have little meaning. At this exacting moment, I’m present in my thoughts and immersed in my own timeline.

Checking in with yourself and determining if you’re on task helps to keep your eye on the prize and determine your anticipated outcome. Wondering how you got to where you are can help us access the path and clarify our thoughts and reevaluate the situation.

If you are anything like me you have multiple projects, objectives, and goals. That’s where we use the power of our minds to process and prioritize the present moment and keep us moving forward. Distractions and uncertainty can cause negative impacts on our minds and bring about doubt.

I’ve re-evaluated everything I fill my day with and maximize my time. I’m filling my mind with clear and concise plans and thinking through how I can execute them. I see every positive step as a gain ground on my future goals. My dreams are becoming a reality as I’m designing the best version of me.

Improving Your Health With Your Mind

Last evening I watched the documentary Heal which is about the healing process of the purified mind. The film embarks on the journey of ailed people finding cures through various mind over matter techniques.

Fight or Flight

Every morning I awaken refreshed and pure. I’m energetic and have an internal drive to embrace each day. My thoughts are creative and inspiring as I can’t wait to tackle my projects and achieve my goals.

I’ll awaken present and cleansed, mindful and pure. My positivity and emotional connection to the world is never stronger.

Sometimes I’m slapped out of my Zen by the world’s uncontrollable effects, however, my position within myself controls my take on the situations and clarifies my decisions.

Yet no matter how hard I’ve worked on myself I still have my triggers. Certain people, situations and society’s lack of caring will overcome me like a darkening storm. My extremities will tingle, my heart rate build and my mind sees red as my inner balance is rocked out of rhythm.

I’ll enter into a fight or flight situation as I struggle to remain focused and in control. Luckily my strength over my mind I can expel the emotion quickly however I’m uncertain of the internal damage I’ve done, allowing the raging of cortisol toxicity to poison my body.

The external stresses of the world will always be there. I purposely don’t read or watch the news or get dragged into others false narratives as I work to maintain a pure and enlightened status. Brushing off the plaguing effects of the tainted world.

Checking in with myself and regaining a balanced neutral state has become easier over the years as I’ve gained experience and wisdom. My spiritual connection to my surroundings overbears the pollutant as I regain composure.

What is your Superpower

My latest quest is to eliminate belongings and burdens as I redesign my perfect existence. I’m packing everything I need into hikers backpack that I’ll use in my travels to enlightenment.

My honesty to myself truly knows it will be impossible to ever remove all material items and remain complete. Somewhere I will need at minimum a room of precious items needed to remain complete. The room shall be considered my mindfulness room for therapeutic experiences. It will lack the toxins that distract me from my calmness and connectivity to my mind.

This room shall heal through meditation, yoga, and sound. The soothing sounds of nature and smells of incense as I breathe in life and expel the dirt. I shall dispel negative thoughts and embrace the positivity of being one with my mind as I fuel my soul.

In my mind I’ll rebuild my internal Zen Monastery stone by stone. A fortress from the outside world. Mind over matter as I embark on the path of positivity walking away from the fight as my conscientious being has already won. My mind is my superpower.

Disease manifests from within

Within all of us is a disease. Toxins are absorbed from our environment and our foods and hide inside our bodies. We fuel the disease when we allow the chemical cocktail to gain strength from the fuel of negativity. We lose battles that can be won when we walk onto the battlefield defeated before the first shot has ever been fired.

I remember when I was a child and had received my first BMX bicycle. There was another older kid in my development that was super cool on his. He was an award-winning racer and I so wanted to beat him in a race.

One day I saw him and rode up alongside him, and said something stupid like “I’ll beat you sucker” as I pedaled away in a fury. I reached the end of the complex just before the main road and looked back. He was way back behind me. He never changed his pace nor engaged in the race.

Once he reached me I laughed “haha I won” and his response “ the only one you beat was yourself” as he never missed a pedal and rode away. He had completely dismissed me. I was defeated, he had won and the only one that expelled any effort was me.

That kid was a pure genius. Me not so much.

“The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.”

― Sun Tzu, The Art of War

Overcoming our Ailments

If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.”

― Sun Tzu, The Art of War

By understanding and recognizing our trigger points or ailments we can win the battle. Our minds recognizing the symptoms will help us nurture our healing. We don’t need to physically fight a battle as our minds and knowledge can overcome the obstacles.

Depressed? Find inspiration. Overweight? Find exercise. Distracted? Find focus.

It’s once you have a solid understanding of your own inner workings that you can build the confidence to remove the negative and cleanse the toxic. Toxic friendship? Move on. Toxic relationship? Move on. Toxic job? Move on. You can’t change the world or its inhabitants, all you can do is determine if you want to live amongst them or not.

Walking away from the fight takes strength and confidence. You have to walk away with a certainty of knowing you’ve won. Your well-being takes precedence over the situation. The Power of your Mind will win the battle and lead to a deeper complete you.

Minding The Mundane With Mindfulness

I find myself very lucky that I have the opportunity daily to walk between 6 and 8 miles. My daily walks start in the morning taking my dogs for a half-mile walk around our block.

In the past, I felt the walk was a waste of time and always wanted to economize my efforts by listening to a podcast or reading emails while walking. My mind preoccupied with whatever else it was I was doing instead of mindfully walking my dogs.

One morning I decided to be present, in the moment and cherish the time spent walking the dogs and minimizing distractions. My focus would be on the path we take and our environment.

Walking around with a clear mind, the simplest of nature’s details are observed. Spring is identified by the early evidence of small buds sprouting. The smells of floral blooms.

Bird song soothes as they are vocalizing the pleasures of the early morning sun and coming warmth. Grasses changing color from a dull hue to vibrant greens. The air crisp and pure.

Washing dishes often feels like a chore however when I focus on the task at hand it becomes therapeutic and calming. The warm water hitting my hands, the sounds of a sudsy pot overfilling as I presoak it. I like to wash in patterns in an attempt to be thorough, give each pot or dish my fullest nurturing care and attention.

My mind struggles to wander as my calmness and attention remain focused. It’s my time to be one within this moment. No longer a chore but a part of my life.

Walking and Talking

I’m not going to say that I didn’t always love to walk and talk however I do feel I noticed it a bit more after reading Steve Jobs biography which was a life-changing read and my personal bible.

Connection happens when you walk and talk with someone. A natural cadence happens where both of your steps take a similar rhythmic pattern. Where both your speed and motions become as one. The words become secondary in the connectivity as you move collectively as one.

Many of my best conversations have happened on walks. My mind is focused on the conversation and this connection. The environment becomes secondary to the human element of expressiveness.

Movement and conversation opens us up to focus on the moment. You struggle to be preoccupied and lacking presence whence immersed in dialogue in motion.

Walking through observations

I’m a people watcher and detail seeker. As I walk alone I’ll often focus on people or my environment as I tell myself a story. Using the power of my thoughts I’ll focus on a person or an element and tell myself its story.

Looking at an old church I’ll visualize the passing of its time, seeing the weddings, christening, and funerals. A full lifecycle happening before my eyes. Then I’ll refocus back to the present, seeing the church standing tall and proud, having bore witness to these amazing events. What a story this church could tell.

A Tree has a soul and the mere existence of the Tree breathes life into our environment. An essential element with the power to heal and maintain life. The Tree sprouts out of the ground with just enough internal strength to bud a leaf. The richness of the soil is a requirement for the nutrients required to grow tall and strong. It’s roots spreading too far distances it gives strength and food.

When the wind blows a Tree will sway, its core holding it in a neutral position yet its flexibility a requirement for survival. Going with the flow of the wind and being present in the moment, for a Tree that refuses it sway or lacks a firm root system will often topple over.

My body is a Tree

Sometimes on walks in the woods when a slight breeze kicks up, I’ll become a Tree. Firmly planting my feet on the earthen ground arms stretched out I’ll move with the wind. My connection to my environment is pure and present as I sway with the other Trees. We dance in cadence, as we are now as one, a forest of Trees.

The details in a Trees leaves or the blossoms of flowers fuels my mind and purify my soul. Life’s struggles still remain yet they are far off in the distance, lacking much power to enter my mindful state.

Mundane meets my mind

We all must do mundane tasks that require our time. By repurposing our thoughts and minds into a positive light by finding the unique perspective in those moments a new element to our lives is born.

Once we have prioritized the tasks and remain focused and engaged we can find joy and complacency in most things we do. We can develop a connection to mundane and uninspiring while attempting to find a new purpose through presence and focus.

The Purifying Effects of Selling Off My Belongings

I’ve never seen a hearse followed by a Uhaul or a Brinks truck. You can’t take it with you. As I look around my house I see all of this stuff. Years of purchases, gifts and hand me downs taking up valuable space in my soul.

The acquisition of stuff is an American pastime. Entire television shows have been made about people who collect massive amounts of stuff. American Pickers is a great example of a company that makes its living scouring the American countryside in search of stuff to resell.

The show takes two pickers of American artifacts around the country in a big van. Mike and Frank search around for obscure collections of stuff with the hopes to find treasures amongst other people’s trash.

As a made for TV reality show my guess it’s marginally real and many of the deals are predetermined however the point of the show is the thrill of the treasure hunt. Mike and Frank uncertain what goodies they will find in other people’s stuff.

Most often we see the team driving down the road building up the excitement for the days pick. They will pull up to an unassuming house or barn and after brief introductions, we head into the collector barn, garage, cellar or bunker to reveal most often a Hoarders Dream.

Hoarders Delight

The parallel show to American Pickers is A&E show Hoarders that highlights the disease of hoarding. In this reality TV show, we visit a similar demographic of diseased individuals that may collect Americana or items of some monetary or sentimental value but more often than not are collecting trash.

Hoarders often surround themselves with items they feel are of great importance and will pile and live amongst their collectibles often at the expense of their well-being.

It isn’t uncommon to see a hoarder’s home filled with what we commonly would call trash or recyclables piled often to the ceiling. When people on the show attempt to intervene in the lives of the hoarders removing the “collectibles” often is at the dismay of the hoarder.

I’m Not A Hoarder….Yet

What is all this shit? I’ll ask myself quite frequently. I’m certainly a collector of stuff, primarily musical and film equipment, movies, records and books, tools and clothing.

I mostly wear the same 10–15 articles of clothing over and over again. My wife will take shirts I overwear and hide them in the back of the closet with hopes I’ll wear some of the other crap I have. Nope, I’m an emotional person and I like to wear the things I feel most comfortable in and therefore the infinite loop continues.

Two years ago I had to clean out my parents New Jersey home and pack 70 years of shit onto a moving truck headed to Florida. They were “downsizing” as we filled a 55-foot tractor-trailer worth of shit. Things they no longer felt fit into their lifestyle was donated or inherited by my family and friends. Truckloads of shit were regifted and donated over the months leading up to the sale.

My Jeep Wrangler was filled weekly with precious heirlooms I’d drag home and attempt to find a space for. Fearing the wrath of God if I didn’t keep all the precious treasures.

Once down in Florida we unloaded entirely too much content into the newly built spacious retirement home. I saw the looks of dismay on my parent’s faces as we tried to find room to neatly put away all the crap. It was a perfect exercise of how to fit 10 pounds of shit in a 5-pound box. You can’t.

Cluttered and disorganized was the immediate feeling as precious heirlooms were sequestered into the oversized two-car garage. My Mother made every attempt to surrounded my dying Father with his worldly possessions.

He died only a few short weeks later, inside his own prison of crap. Without much thought, we collected many of his items and began to donated, regift and discard carfuls of crap.

Some items were of sentimental value so I would bring an empty suitcase to Florida and return with it full, building my own prison of crap.

Mindfully Dehoarding

I began to question life and our time on this planet. Is collecting and not using items away we falsely extend our inevitable mortality? Possibly.

As I look around at my collected existence I look at each item in a mindful moment. Why do I possess this item? Does it make me whole and complete? Is it a book that changed my life or a tool I can’t live without, or am I just fooling myself surrounded by instruments I don’t play or films I’ll never watch?

Is the passing on of items we possess a purifying cleansing or will I suffer from detachment?

Yesterday I sold off a piece of equipment I’d been storing for 10 years. One day I would hook it back up, play with it and write the most transcending song.

As I realize I’m lying to myself hiding behind the safety and comfort knowing these items are at my disposal anytime, the sense of immediacy and urgency is lifted. These items become anchors that darken our days and suck the creative spark of the spontaneity out of our souls.

Zen And The Art Of Letting Go

It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. My quest for cleansing and purification starts with self-assessment as I’ll place my belonging before myself in their day of reckoning. Shall they stay or go? The release of their burden certain to heal, while the decision to keep the items shall force their use.

The answers to the quest shall become clear as I believe the removal of clutter will fine-tune my body and mind as I prepare for my next adventures. Cameras will shoot images, books will be read and songs shall be sung.

My body of work will become more purposeful and enlightening. My future shall not be unshadowed by the cloud of clutter and my money not wasted on holiday kitsch. Every item in my personal space must be purposeful and I must be complete.

Survivalism And Why I’ll Be Willing To Die

Okay, this article is going to be a bit of a wild ride as I try to decipher how long I could or even would want to survive in a Post-apocalyptic world. I’m not going to make reference to what will actually cause said apocalypse as I don’t want to waste my creative process on the potential vulnerabilities of our existence. So let’s just assume the apocalypse has happened and it’s a shit show.

Okay so before you call me a dark and dismal dinkis let’s review some pretty harsh statistical realities. In the 19th century, there wasn’t any Country that had a life expectancy of over 40 years of age. Most people lived poorly, lacked medical knowledge and understanding of diseases.

Over the next hundred-odd years advancements in science, medicine and technology have almost doubled most of the World’s life expectancy. By the use of vaccinations, sterilization, surgical technologies, and preemptive medicine most populations are living longer than their ancestors.

Why I’m a Baby

Okay so before I single-handedly end modern civilaztion let me first discuss my absolute needs and explain why I’m a snob.

Every morning I wake up and eat a banana with my Good Seed toast with an avocado spread sprinkled lightly with Himalayan sea salt. My morning coffee I make with 100bpercent Arabica bean espresso roast I freshly ground and make into an Oat Milk latte.

Alright, I’m a snob and I can admit it. Anyhow, I digress. Where are the closest banana trees, coffee trees, avocado trees, Himalayan sea in the Northeast of America? You guessed it on the shelves in our stores. But where are they grown? Thousands of miles away.

Burning it Down, We Are All Gonna Die

Okay now let’s blow this shit up. A plague begins killing everyone as wildfires smoke out our atmosphere minimizing natural daylight. Our fiat money system collapses and fossil fuels are at a premium. Sort of like Madmax meets Children of Men.

Let’s just say our beloved iPhones and Alexa’s no longer function. When was the last time you looked at a paper map? How the hell do you put on a tourniquet and better yet how the hell do you even spell it without spell check?

Where do you get clean water from? How do you start a fire (no dipshit the answer isn’t a Zippo.) In all seriousness how will we survive without Charmin and hand sanitizer?

Okay, cue the godforsaken preppers and the bugout baggers. With basements stocked with irradiated water, canned turnips, and fucking Twinkies.

I would rather just die. Just to be clear I love life, my life, others’ lives, etc etc. I have the greatest respect for my life and daily do my best to maximize life’s experiences.

Okay back to the shit show. No social media, no nighttime news, as we have to resort back to morse code and smoke signals. What would this new world be like? What would we eat and how can we make our own version of Cheez Whiz?

So if you’re still following here the future without our modern conveniences of fresh food, heat, and shelter is ever so scary. So why the hell do we treat it all with complete disrespect?

Why do we insist on wasting the Earth’s natural resources? Do we really need all the plastic crap we purchase? I can guarantee in the Great Apocalypse we won’t be walking through Hobby Lobby’s and Michael’s stores in a quest for survival.

What are you going to carry in your survival backpack? A stack of Solo cups and plastic forks, or washable and sterilizable dishware and utensils.

How will you boil the river water you’ll need to drink. What about your adapting to a nomadic or agrarian lifestyle?

Save Our Planet

Without my morning coffee, I’m a miserable bastard, and if I go without my banana and avocado toast, my stomach growls. It’s with absolute confidence I’m certain it would only be a matter of days in the Post Apocalyptic world before I’d be voting myself off the island.

As I look at the life I currently live and the fruits of our Earth I enjoy I force myself to question where I can reduce waste and minimize my carbon footprint. For I’m certain I can not adjust to Post Apocalyptic life and so, therefore, I’ll need to figure out how to adapt to a sustainable present life.

Pinpoint A Moment By The Separation Of Space and Time

Our world is a connected place, every individual person is a blip on the World radar moving about in a common cosmic universe. Experiences are influenced by our emotions based on the present time and space.

Rereading a book or listening to a favorite song can often invoke feelings and emotions from past experiences as we can transcend backward in time. Based on your present mood and level of focus the revisit can unearth new discoveries and connections often unheard or unread. We will frequently find new meaning and understanding as we have expanded our knowledge through experiences and personal growth.

What variable in time discrepancy offsets the fabric of connection?Where exactly is the wrinkle in time that creates the missed connection? Decisions we make writes not only our history but the history of others. Inclusion in situations influence the course of others lives and more often than not purely by happenstance.

Fragments of data I’ll file into my mental memory banks stored like a scientists notes. Compartmentalizing content I’ll keep the metadata available for future exploration and hope the content will expand in concrete understanding.

As I mature and maintain positive forward motion looking back only to see progress and a refusal to dwell on the past, I comfort new discovery. New experiences map a new and unique future guiding me to another space and time.

My interests in music, film, sound and design are now almost a circadian rhythm of connections as I’m close to closing the infinite loop. What’s new is frequently old, a fusion of old concepts rediscovered and reborn into a new being.

As I walk around expanding my connection to nature I’ll often recognize I’m on hallowed ground. Prior to the creation of a sub development in a suburban town, the land was a tree farm, prior to that forest and a Battleground of the Revolutionary War and prior to that home to the Lenape Indians. We are only separated by time as space or place is remains consistent.

Only through conversation and discovery do we unearth the individual fibers used to weave the pattern of our existence. Only with an open mind and exploratory mindset can we expand our horizons to absorb new discoveries. We shall never stop learning nor discovering. Reading, writing and photographing fragments of time are only missed connections unless we defragment our data-dumps into buckets of commonality and make connections.

Patterns will emerge as we better understand our minds content. As we cleanse our minds of junk files, the reactions of others or our superfluous content allowing room to fill the void of self discovery and conscious understanding.

Freedom to create, design and experience. To use our own connections to expand our minds and our lives and share with others to change their experiences in the fragment of time.