Your arm is wrapped tightly around my bicep, your head on my shoulder. We walk together in a cadence of rhythmic footsteps. My every word touches you. We are connected as one, I take your breath away.
It’s a warm dark night for a streetwalker. The gas lamps only show a shadow of your face and your identity is unknown. I’m barely dressed, almost naked and vulnerable. Putting myself out there hoping to entice you to share this intimate moment.
I speak volumes as I’m hoping you hear my voice. My words are chosen carefully to engage your emotions. With passion and a willingness to give you pleasure, I continue to speak.
As I look into your eyes I’m seeing a spark as I hope to ignite a flame in your soul. Cars pass by, potential new business yet I’m completely immersed at this moment with you. Right now, I am yours, completely vulnerable yet trusting.
We walk down a dark alleyway and prepare for our intimate engagement and we see the reflection of light off the cobblestone streets. My eyes struggle to adjust because I’m longing to see your face.
You say nothing, silent and still. I squint my eyes as I continue to speak, my words of nakedness and honesty. Closer I move towards you and reach out my hand to touch yours as I’m hoping we still have this connection.
My footsteps and soft delicate words are the only sounds to be heard because I no longer hear your breath. Are you still engaged in our intimate moment?
I slowly move closer in an attempt to feel your presence only to find you are no longer there. I’ve lost another one.
Wiping the tears from my eyes I readjust my emotions and proudly walk back onto that gas lite street hoping another passerby will stop so we can engage in intimacy.
For I am a writer, a servant to the faceless, silent, and unknown. My passion placed onto every word hoping for a moment of intimacy so I can stop your breath.
The diagnosis of a debilitating disease changes one’s life. Time will freeze as you struggle to remain present while you reminisce on the past and pray for the future. Our internal clocks tick until time runs out and our story ends.
Driving home one evening I saw police cars at my friend Tom’s house. I feared the worst yet hoped for the best as I walked up to an officer at the open garage door. The prognosis was Tom was still alive yet barely. His plans to fade off into the afterlife was almost complete.
Calm and complacent I was satisfied with our time together as Tom was preparing for the afterlife. Actually he was already well prepared and had everything in perfect order.
One afternoon I was scouring Craigslist for film gigs when I came across an ad for a documentarian needed in my town. As I already had what I believed to be the essential qualifications and equipment for the job, I responded to the ad.
I received a response from Andy, a close and personal friend of a local artist named Tom. Tom had been plagued by years of health issues and as of late he felt he was deteriorating.
Because of Tom’s ailments, he imprisoned himself to his home.
So the project seemed relatively straight forward, bring film gear for an hour once a month and film Tom in a basic documentary style. Tom’s friend Andy would be the interviewer and attempt to keep Tom on task as we worked through the interview.
Tom’s home was your typical split level suburban tract home. Once inside we made formal introductions and headed upstairs.
Tom was a medium-sized aging gentleman in a thin fit shape. Over the past few years, he had been struggling with Parkinson’s disease and so, therefore, his movements were calculated yet lacked full control. It was immediately apparent the disease had affected his motor skills.
Tom offered us tea and pizza he had purchased specifically for us. While he was in the kitchen prepping I set up the film equipment in the dining room. It was hard to miss that the walls were filled with the most stunning artwork I had ever witnessed. Finely detailed oil paintings, some still life, and others were a bit more abstract and magical.
Tom sat down and began the interview explaining what he called his first incarnation as an oil painter. He explained his attention to details from having been a scientist for many years prior to developing a rare unrecognized Brain Allergy.
His environment was slowly killing him as his body recognized chemicals as neurotoxins and they would attack his central nervous system. Most doctors don’t believe the disease exists and feel it’s a psychological disorder and therefore Tom had to prove the disease was real and debilitating.
With the only actual research done on the disorder back in the 1960s, he had to find his own path. Tom found a specialist that was able to obtain him medical disability from having to go to work however it began Tom’s new life of a recluse. Imprisoned in his home away from the poisons he couldn’t be around.
Molds, perfumes, chemicals all exacerbated his condition. Tom had to remove all of these items from his home. The off-gassing of plastics we call the “new car smell” forced Tom to have to ride a bicycle around town. His trips would be purposeful as he had to stay away from environmental toxins.
The hardest part of his disease was his reaction to the paints and thinners he had grown to love. He could no longer paint and therefore fell into a void of depression.
He pushed on and found alternative means to express his creative side. He restored old baseball cards to offset his disability income and a few years later found his second incarnation working in water-soluble inks.
Tom surrounded himself amongst his art, each piece framed and carefully hung. As he was aging he was diagnosed with Parkinson’s that hit him with a new grouping of medical issues.
Not to be beaten Tom religiously exercised and even during one recording session did 100 push-ups for Andy and me to prove his abilities.
As we interviewed Tom religiously once a month over the course of a few years we learned of his loves and loses. He struggles to overcome his ailments and attempt to have a normal life. Every day was a struggle yet he remained sharp and in control.
His knowledge of politics, science, futurism, and art was second to none. His compassion and empathy for the world was often the motivation behind his works.
Tom was confident that his artworks were very good despite having been seen by few. The fact that he was an outsider artist he felt that he needed to help along with the narrative of his works by documenting his process and how he had gotten there.
One evening Tom explained he had an end game. He recognized that his diseases once he could no longer maintain control would kill him. A hospital or nursing facility that firmly didn’t recognize his Brain Allergy would send his body into an autoimmune rage.
That’s when we were introduced to Compassion and Choices and Tom’s plan to facilitate his own demise once the time came. Andy and I discussed the information we had just been entrusted with. We followed up with his family and were ensured though they weren’t pleased with his plans, they respected his position.
Hours were spent discussing love, life, the environment and how Tom tried to prove his theories within his paintings. He never felt as though he succeeded yet I am certain the answers an artist seeks never are.
At Tom’s memorial service, I wrote a segment of his eulogy. To this day I struggle with how to tell his story that highlights his brilliance. The day will come where the story will unfold inside my mind and I’ll complete my promise to my dear friend, that his legacy and art shall be loved and he will forever live on.
“Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.” Buddha
It isn’t uncommon for me to awaken early, my mind alert and racing. I’ll think about situations I can hardly control as I’ll attempt to find a solution. Next thing I know I’m grabbing my iPhone and mindlessly scrolling through social media posts. My mind will then wander deeper into a rabbit hole. My time wasted. Nothing is resolved and I remain sleepless.
Once I began practicing meditation, on those sleepless mornings, I would focus on my breath. My mind would calm as I would fall back into a deep restful sleep. The gain was I would awaken refreshed and stressfree.
Enter the Journal
At my bedside, I kept a Moleskin journal and a pen. I was hopeful that when I would awaken I could begin to perform some mindful journaling until I fell back asleep.
The concept indeed could work however the issue I had was writing in the darkness of the night. Certain there must be a simple solution I decided on writing into my iPad.
Fully charged and in night mode, my iPad is on my end table. Now when I awaken I can immediately begin to journal while in the headspace of my anxieties.
Words begin to flow from the innards of my psyche. My focus is always on how I feel at that exacting moment that I ensure I’m articulating with honestly and focus.
Each of my latest journal entries has become my Medium articles. Journaling my articles and channeling my philosophies has expanded my mind and thought process. When I revisit my entries I’ve recognized loopholes in my thoughts have been filled as my journaling technique continues.
Journal About How You Feel
Yesterday I was told by a friend I “mindfucked her” as I explained my theories on recognizing how situations and environments make you feel. She and her fiancee wake up very early and together head to the gym. From there they together head to their jointly owned business and spend the day working hard. They have been very successful in spite of having limited free time.
As we discussed further my journaling exercises and the Power Of How You Feel she recognized she has been feeling better than 10 years prior and that their lives were fulfilled and purposeful.
Writing articles daily as journal entries as I focus on how I feel begs to ask the question Why? Why do I feel focused, calm and in touch with my feelings? Honest writing that just in the clearest form.
I’ve learned to recognize truths and can read through people’s insecurities and lies. I can practice empathy and mindfulness as my intentions can remain honest and pure. The truths of how I feel, expressed in writing and shared with the world.
Stepping outside I’ll immediately struggle with the decision whether I go left, right, or straight. “Fuck it let’s go right” I’ll say to the only one that really listens and head left, my instincts of being ambidextrous have determined when in doubt go left.
Instincts guide my decisions as I walk aimlessly through life looking for experiences and enlightenment. Situations will present themselves in a natural unadulterated fashion as I attempt to focus on the present and go with the flow.
When I walk into a store, tradeshow or museum and I’m challenged to make a decision, I always go left as that just feels right. Going right feels foreign and obscene like most people that I’ve met, boring and following a plan. I’m always focusing on being somewhat thorough in a speed reading sort of way until the connection is made with an object, a person or a notion.
Walking through an Ikea once I noticed that the store was designed properly with projected arrows on the floors guiding the pedestrian traffic in a natural flow from left to right like I read and how I wander through life like a whimsical fish.
On another occasion, in another Ikea the store’s directional arrows were placed backward guiding the herd from right to left. Unorthodox and teetering on blasphemy, I debated on the notion to leave my group and fix the store by reversing all of the store’s arrows and signage yet the concept of human traffic when I’m trying to create order is daunting. The mindless zombies certainly would be lost forever in the catacombs of chic furniture, destinations no longer known.
How adaptable is a fish out of water? We can survive. Our way of breathing will change as our skin will dry out yet we will adjust and endure the challenges of a foreign environment. We become like sea urchins, calloused and hardened.
When I ultimately get my way and get back into the water, I will swim upstream like salmon, in an attempt to spawn new ideas and adventures.
I live in fear of doing the same thing twice as I find comfort in my inconsistencies. My plans for today only spoiled by my mood and inabilities to stick to the plan. Winds and water flow will guide me off course. My surroundings uncharted and anew.
How will I feel connected and complacent? I never will, however, the journey is my destination, no matter how foreign or unplanned.
As humans, our greatest ability over any other being is our ability to communicate. Everything from facial expressions to dialogue to writing we have many ways to articulate our thoughts and emotions. Yet most people haven’t anything to say.
Talks of the weather or last night’s game are conversation devoid of creativity and honesty. Place saving for true self-expression and thought. Ask the person “how did you feel when your team lost” or “how did you feel that it rained all day” and possibly you’ll be on to an actual form of emotion.
With our busy lives filled basically of doing nothing, traffic, the morning news, work issues and the long line at the grocery isn’t actually conversation, it’s a data dump of words that fill the narrative. Fluff to get the report to look through or detailed. If you economize and minimize the dialogue to one’s emotions the conversations become more honest and engaging because they create inclusion to the listener.
A filmmaker friend I speak to daily returned yesterday from a 17 day trip to Europe. We talked for over an hour about his trip. He loved the premium class seating on the flight due to the added legroom however not having a direct flight he would never do again.
The coffee in his hotel in Budapest wasn’t great and so he went to McDonald’s for a cup to go and he was surprised it was served in a ceramic cup with a stainless steel spoon and a fabric napkin. There isn’t any coffee cup to go. You don’t go anywhere with your coffee. You sit there and enjoy it.
He spoke of the energy he had immersed in the architecture and culture of the century-old cities and how he felt relieved on rainy days because he could spend hours inside museums without missing the outdoors.
At the end of the hour, we had little filler or fluff. An honest close conversation on how he felt being away and how great it felt to be back. We scheduled a date for next week to spend two hours discussing a new film project and to look at some of the hours of video footage he had captured during the 17 days trek.
Distance brings us closer as it gives us space and time apart to reconnect with our emotions. The passing of time is real and actual. And the longer the duration apart the more abridged our engagements become as we will expedite the narrative to express ourselves.
We may not always get out our truest feelings yet if we know we may be again distanced we should be honest in our expression. I missed my friend over the 17 days, I feel reconnected with him as we squeezed 17 days into 1 hour. However, it’s that one hour we shared how we felt more so than what we did. And how we felt during our separation and how we now feel together again.
The changing of the season from summer to fall is the perfect time for forest walks and fall foliage drives. As the leaves change colors from green to vibrant reds, yellows, and oranges and the temperatures are still marginally warm and bearable.
Yet something is lurking in the shadows of fall. A cold and evil darkness is beginning to set in. As the days are getting shorter and the nights are getting colder, the seasons change to winter will bring on a sense of sadness.
The winter days sun is hardly reminiscent of the sun of the warmer seasons. Brightly shining with a warmth that fuels our souls and tones our flesh. Our bodies are energized on the long journey of a summer day.
The darkening of fall will lead to the dead of winter. A season lacking in birdsong, vibrancy and light. Annually I begin to sadden as I will feel imprisoned to the indoors to avoid the harshness of winters chill.
As of late, I’ve learned to overcome the sadness of dark frigid days by keeping my mind in check. I’ve learned to stack the decks against the disconnect from the great outdoors. By using my mind to fuel my soul, and adjusting my activity and motivation the changing of the season to winter has become pleasant.
Dressing warmly I’ll trudge outside to embrace the difference in the sounds of winter. The lack of leaves and ground brush changes the pitch and character of common sounds.
The feeling of the cold winters air has a bite that reminds me that I have a fire inside. An internal light that needs to be fueled and nurtured. The glowing embers of energy that I need to keep stoking to maintain my sanity.
Embracing the days and fortifying my passion to learn and experience, I’ve learned to love each day and fill it with love and life. The sadness of the cold and dark is overshadowed by the fire in my heart and power of my mind.
With controlled breath and pure thoughts I realign my mind to fulfillment. This day may not be that picturesque scene we would love to paint yet it is the perfect opportunity to reconnect my mind to my soul.
With breathing and focus the changing of the season can be enjoyed. With pure thoughts and an open mind, we can embrace this time for learning and expression.
Looking back we see where we were, and looking forward may be too far away. So by nurturing this thought in this moment for the fire shall rage to overcome the sadness of the cold and dark days ahead.
“Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life’s coming attractions.” Albert Einstein
Everywhere around us, we are surrounded by knowledge and lessons to be learned. Sometimes those lessons are hard and sometimes they are life-changing experiences. The key to learning is having an open mind and a willingness to learn.
Life’s lessons come to us in various forms. Yesterday I was wandering around an Ivy League university campus. As I walked I observed many of the students engaged in various activities. From chess to student government and physics to analytics the wealth of knowledge and willingness to experience the unknown was clear.
Libraries piled high with expansive content, our ability to learn starts with just being willing. Picking a book off a shelf or reading a well-articulated article can open our minds to our personal growth. Our perspective is modified as we learn new lessons.
The more I learn the more I realize what I really don’t know. I’m an expert of nothing and that I’m fully aware. New discoveries clarify my existing beliefs yet those emotions and knowledge I’ll adjust when new information is unearthed.
Photo by Michael Competielle
A darkness looms over my soul on days where I feel I haven’t learned. I love a day when my mind is filled and reached its saturation point. It’s invigorating yet exhausting.
When I lay my head to rest I’ll struggle to sleep. My mind racing from my latest revelations. With every chapter read questions are answered as uncertainties arise requiring further research and exploration.
I’ll learn where I am wrong and learn where I am right only as new pathways are created. Learning organizes and then reorganizes our brains. Information is compartmentalized as new connections are created.
Our learning mind sweeps through our stored databanks finding similarities and making new and unique experiences. Connections are made in our minds as learning helps to release stresses and anxieties. The more I learn the more excited and relaxed I feel.
As my bookshelves are overfilled with the knowledge I’ve learned, they also contain the unknown and uncharted territories. The more I exercise my mind the stronger it becomes. And the stronger it becomes the more information I’m able to absorb.
My quest for knowledge is immense and my future bright as I learn daily. The lessons I’m learning are the pathway to my future. My goals are manifested by my ability to learn and quest to explore. I’m writing my own destiny and each chapter is focused and purposeful.
Every day I’m designing the future me as I visualize what I want to do and why. As I establish my goals and I aim high, I’ve learned that my actions today have the greatest impact on the future.
I’ve learned the power of the law of attraction and have been rewarded from the concept. Situations I would never think I’d be in have materialized simply by realizing I could control the outcome with my thinking and beliefs.
What concepts begin in my mind are organized and fleshed out before I’ll begin to speak or write about them. Various paths are explored on my mind’s journey to the directive. Once I visualize the potential path I’ll then begin to speak of the goals and my course of action.
This brainstorming exercise always creates a cohesive perspective that I’m positive I can execute. The power of the thinking process and dissecting an objective begins the development of a successful outcome.
Prior to even speaking of a future journey I’ll often jot down the objective and establish my goal. The notation to paper is the way we can bring a future goal into the present. As you look down about the paper that previously stated nothing, wrote down your goal or plan, instantly the objective had materialized. At this exacting moment, it has not come to fruition but the groundwork has been set.
As we look off into our future horizons determined to be a writer, musician or artist, the end goal of a book, musical or sculpture are way off in the distance. But they are in the picture way off in the foreground. How do we research that goal? That starts with taking steps towards it, keeping on the path and staying focused.
As we walk towards our goal we will meet many obstacles along the way. Speaking to people of our objective with determination and clarity, the barriers that block the path are lifted as the power of attraction and connection moves the obstacles from our path keeping us on the trajectory to our goals.
Often we will ask the wrong people for assistance and they may guide us astray by taking us off the path our polluting our positivity.
As we head towards our future we walk with ourselves in the present. Turning around we can see our past and determine if we are still on target and pride ourselves on how far we’ve come. Our success comes from doing.
This article wouldn’t even be complete had I not thought about the topic, fleshed out a narrative and placed pen to paper. Looking back I see hundreds of words that have gotten this article to this point. I remain on target to my goal of a completed well-designed philosophy.
Had I never thought about the goals of this piece, I’d be staring at a blank page. Had I not established an objective the words would have little meaning. At this exacting moment, I’m present in my thoughts and immersed in my own timeline.
Checking in with yourself and determining if you’re on task helps to keep your eye on the prize and determine your anticipated outcome. Wondering how you got to where you are can help us access the path and clarify our thoughts and reevaluate the situation.
If you are anything like me you have multiple projects, objectives, and goals. That’s where we use the power of our minds to process and prioritize the present moment and keep us moving forward. Distractions and uncertainty can cause negative impacts on our minds and bring about doubt.
I’ve re-evaluated everything I fill my day with and maximize my time. I’m filling my mind with clear and concise plans and thinking through how I can execute them. I see every positive step as a gain ground on my future goals. My dreams are becoming a reality as I’m designing the best version of me.
When the Communists entered my grandparent’s Austrian homestead, they were forced to pack up and leave. They were only allowed one truck amongst the family and were required to pack within the hour and head out onto the road.
Often I try to imagine the feeling of being forced to pack within one hour everything that matters to me into a trunk and carry it away. The remainder of my belongings never to be seen again.
What would I deem important? Are some of my worldly possessions not going to fit, easily replaceable or nonessential? For the most part yes.
With the false sense of security feeling, this will never happen to me I can simply disregard the notion and not worry. But history has a tendency to repeat itself, and even if it will never happen, what do I really possess that could fill that trunk?
In war-torn 1940’s Europe, I’d say clothing, food, blankets and some photographs. Not much more would really matter. Discarded and left behind as I’m certain many felt lucky they were escaping with their lives.
Stuffing Your Life in a Backpack
So my experiment is what items are of essential importance to my daily needs? The backpack concept comes from a desire to travel to more remote destinations where I would need to minimize my packs.
My passion to travel has never been stronger and my quest to document these experiences is the single most important objective.
My pack will include a camera to capture the scenery and experience as I attempt to seize the moment and freeze it in time.
The sound of environments has become my latest experiment and therefore I must bring along my audio recording gear.
Recently I’ve come to the realization that I’m also a writer. Pen to paper not so much as I write on an iPad or laptop. Seems that also needs to go into the pack.
I’m looking into a lightweight Buddhist prayer rug so I can sit close to the earth and become connected to my environment.
Clothing, some snacks, and water I’m thinking the pack is full and going to be heavy.
Lightening the Load
My iPhone can actually handle most of the tasks mentioned above, photography and video, sound recording, writing, and even a few ebooks I would feel relatively complete.
Any of the other equipment would need to improve the capabilities of my cellphone or else their value begins to fade after hours of humping the heavy pack through the paths of travel.
What about all we left behind
So now I begin to question everything I’ve left behind. Is anything essential? As a collective of physical content much of the things I own I’d say yes. However if I was forced to pack them into a trunk, never to see the items left behind could I survive? Am I willing to walk away from the clutter of life and feel complete and whole?
One day I’m certain to find out. Be it my quest for enlightened travel or my placement into my eternal place of rest.
Last evening I watched the documentary Heal which is about the healing process of the purified mind. The film embarks on the journey of ailed people finding cures through various mind over matter techniques.
Fight or Flight
Every morning I awaken refreshed and pure. I’m energetic and have an internal drive to embrace each day. My thoughts are creative and inspiring as I can’t wait to tackle my projects and achieve my goals.
I’ll awaken present and cleansed, mindful and pure. My positivity and emotional connection to the world is never stronger.
Sometimes I’m slapped out of my Zen by the world’s uncontrollable effects, however, my position within myself controls my take on the situations and clarifies my decisions.
Yet no matter how hard I’ve worked on myself I still have my triggers. Certain people, situations and society’s lack of caring will overcome me like a darkening storm. My extremities will tingle, my heart rate build and my mind sees red as my inner balance is rocked out of rhythm.
I’ll enter into a fight or flight situation as I struggle to remain focused and in control. Luckily my strength over my mind I can expel the emotion quickly however I’m uncertain of the internal damage I’ve done, allowing the raging of cortisol toxicity to poison my body.
The external stresses of the world will always be there. I purposely don’t read or watch the news or get dragged into others false narratives as I work to maintain a pure and enlightened status. Brushing off the plaguing effects of the tainted world.
Checking in with myself and regaining a balanced neutral state has become easier over the years as I’ve gained experience and wisdom. My spiritual connection to my surroundings overbears the pollutant as I regain composure.
What is your Superpower
My latest quest is to eliminate belongings and burdens as I redesign my perfect existence. I’m packing everything I need into hikers backpack that I’ll use in my travels to enlightenment.
My honesty to myself truly knows it will be impossible to ever remove all material items and remain complete. Somewhere I will need at minimum a room of precious items needed to remain complete. The room shall be considered my mindfulness room for therapeutic experiences. It will lack the toxins that distract me from my calmness and connectivity to my mind.
This room shall heal through meditation, yoga, and sound. The soothing sounds of nature and smells of incense as I breathe in life and expel the dirt. I shall dispel negative thoughts and embrace the positivity of being one with my mind as I fuel my soul.
In my mind I’ll rebuild my internal Zen Monastery stone by stone. A fortress from the outside world. Mind over matter as I embark on the path of positivity walking away from the fight as my conscientious being has already won. My mind is my superpower.
Disease manifests from within
Within all of us is a disease. Toxins are absorbed from our environment and our foods and hide inside our bodies. We fuel the disease when we allow the chemical cocktail to gain strength from the fuel of negativity. We lose battles that can be won when we walk onto the battlefield defeated before the first shot has ever been fired.
I remember when I was a child and had received my first BMX bicycle. There was another older kid in my development that was super cool on his. He was an award-winning racer and I so wanted to beat him in a race.
One day I saw him and rode up alongside him, and said something stupid like “I’ll beat you sucker” as I pedaled away in a fury. I reached the end of the complex just before the main road and looked back. He was way back behind me. He never changed his pace nor engaged in the race.
Once he reached me I laughed “haha I won” and his response “ the only one you beat was yourself” as he never missed a pedal and rode away. He had completely dismissed me. I was defeated, he had won and the only one that expelled any effort was me.
That kid was a pure genius. Me not so much.
Photo by Michael Competielle
“The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.”
― Sun Tzu, The Art of War
Overcoming our Ailments
If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.”
― Sun Tzu, The Art of War
By understanding and recognizing our trigger points or ailments we can win the battle. Our minds recognizing the symptoms will help us nurture our healing. We don’t need to physically fight a battle as our minds and knowledge can overcome the obstacles.
It’s once you have a solid understanding of your own inner workings that you can build the confidence to remove the negative and cleanse the toxic. Toxic friendship? Move on. Toxic relationship? Move on. Toxic job? Move on. You can’t change the world or its inhabitants, all you can do is determine if you want to live amongst them or not.
Walking away from the fight takes strength and confidence. You have to walk away with a certainty of knowing you’ve won. Your well-being takes precedence over the situation. The Power of your Mind will win the battle and lead to a deeper complete you.
